so very confused..

Y'know.. i'm a novice really when it comes to my own love life. Why? Cause I've never had one before. Can't blame me now for being cautious and super sceptical about stuff right?

So why.. when i'm not even sure whether I like someone.. and whether that person likes me truly truly.. am I feeling so let down? especially since people have started their stupid teasing and suddenly poof.. disappeared. Lol.. maybe got scared off.. i'm not surprised..

Heck.. I have a darn right to be sceptical. So why the heck did "he" choose me? Out of all the girls in the school... Was it just cause it was a cruel subconscious decision? or did "he" actually like me? If so.. what the heck about me? there isn't anything really.. Fine.. shucks... why the heck am I so worked up? Maybe I do actually like him somewhat? Gosh.. that's surprising.. I have almost come to think that I was repulsive with no darn hope. Hahaha...

Pfft.. if "he" really likes.. or rather liked me.. heck this is the time between other people's teasing that we don't fall away. *sigh* oh well too good to be true. It was a nice and very very flattering while it lasted. Viva las university.. This is still high school.. so it shouldn't be anything real.

So the question is.. Am I the cake or the mistake YOU made?

Gosh this is so very confusing. Both of us having a lack of confidence. *shrugs* Its up to "him" now.. told him i'd take things slowly. I'm not about to taint or make any stupid decisions just cause i'm bullied into it. If he can't handle it.. tough.. I'll just HAVE to get over it.

WELLL its either that or i'm just very very curious.. cause I could definitely be overreacting. He can have all the space he wants cause that's what he gave me. I should at least understand that now shouldn't i? Oooh welll.. that's life. It bugs you but hey you can't help living it.

Honesty is definitely best policy... brutal and agony but hey.. its quicker! * sigh* also.. with all the stress of the exams.. getting old.. feeling inferior.. demotivated.. stupid.. unspecial.. forgotten.. this is just me trying to perform catharsis on myself.. I don't want to go back to feeling depressed and stupid like i was before. It's a good thing this site is pretty much abandoned.. or else i wouldn't even consider using it to express anything.. perfect name really.. I knew I'd need it some day.

Cake... Mistake.. Cake.. mistake.. mistake...

whatever.

my heartbreak lullaby..

Finally took time to revamp the look of this site. Can't say that i've done a wonderful job though. I only spent about 10 minutes on the code and layout but it's a definite change from the previous layout.

Lots of things have been happened since the last time i posted in this site and i suppose they're all worthy of mentioning but we'll leave that for some other time when i'm feeling all down and miserable. For now, i'm abit too cheery for anything. =p

Don't know

time changes people.. is that true?

I honestly don't know what to say.. this site is so dead? I'm such a lost case.. i want to do well but i don't want to work for it.. impossible lost case..

Then again there are the problems of friendships.. maybe i should branch out and find more friends instead of always hiding and just staying with my old ones.. there's no one to talk to anymore.. if i complain which is alot and about the same things that always pisses me off... i get the feeling that i'm irritating and am whining.. not a nice feeling.. if i don' say anything i feel like i'm going crazy.. there is no out.. no relief.. maybe i should never have been born.. Am i getting too close? should i distance myself once again?

I just saw a movie this morning even tho i should have been studying about a good teen girl who took drugs and blah blah blah.. i don't know whether i should be able to relate.. i mean.. my parents aren't divorced and i'm not exactly suffering.. I'm just stupid at times. I'm lying alot to my mum and i think that tears a piece of me everytime i do it.. but its just too easy.. i lie to her that i'm studying.. but i'm not.. sometimes the guilt just gets to me.. but sometimes i'm just relieved that i'm such a liar.. doesn't that sound bad? that reminds me of the movie i watched liar liar.. funny but it holds meaning..

why.. are there so many insecurities.. what can i do make it stop? Admit that i'm a lost case? DUH.. i know that already.. what the fark can i do about it.. who bloody cares.. screw everyone.. i wish i could just fast forward time.. I wish i had will power.. i wish i were perfect.. but then again.. no one is.. and these are just wishes borne out of the sheer ignorance and ultimate stupidity that i possess..

man i sound like i'm pitying myself... but who bloody cares.. as long as i don't get called out for it who cares.. that's right.. who.. cares.. nobody.. n-o-b-o-d-y... *sigh* bye for now..

life is a game of poker

felt a little depressed over something. i don't know what, i just feel it. Like something nagging me although I can't detect the source. It's something unidentified. i keep trying and trying to think and at the very least, put a name to this source of discomfort but I can't. What is it that pesters me so?

Maybe it's because a friend of mine has been turning a deaf ear to everything I say, and she has been so dominating that I feel like slapping her to wake her up to her senses but yet I fear doing so. Maybe it's because I can't stand the way she thinks she knows everything and in fact, she doesn't and she's only acting like she does. Arghz... The worst thing is knowing I can't say this to her because I might lose her friendship...

The only solution is to distance myself from her. She feels it and so do I. I regret my decision but I must go through with it. Or else... I might burst out at her and she will then relate my "betrayal" to everyone I know and THEN, causing everyone else to ignore me... I don't want to be left alone.

OR maybe.. it's because I'm getting so close, just too close to someone special and I fear that this time, I might be stupid enough to fall into the trap, the trap that they call 'puppy love'. I am so scared and yet I'm so addicted to getting closer to this special someone that I just can't stop myself.

I wish someone would stop me and put a halt to my fantasies, dreams and wishes. I wish I could be more sensible and yank my head down from the clouds. But yet... What if that person feels the same way? I wish I really knew.

I wish I could be perfect and everyone would be happy with me. But I'm not.

resentment.. temper.. bad combo.. destructors of my life

I'm just feeling super down.. and since i really have no one to turn to anymore.. at least i don't feel that i do.. I'm turning to this lil secluded corner either that or i'll be crying in my room alone.

I was given a final warning by my dad for my behaviour.. apparently we aren't suppose to take it personally when parents berate you for your ass wipe performance... your attitude.. your shittiness.. your life... and you just for being you.

My mum told me that i had no reason to feel like i did(when i burst out at her with angry emotions)She said she loved my sisters and I equally.. unfortunately i didn't believe that.. the wound went to deep when she lied to me over something that i will never forget.. ever... I don't trust her.. i don't know.. i want to hate her.. but as she is my mother i can't... i want to love her and be the understanding daughter but i can't the resentment is too deep.

She scolds me for everything i do.. all my good intentions are brushed aside like dirt . All my intentions are taken in the wrong way.. my good deeds.. and things i do out of wanting to help are not acknowledged. My good side is the vulnerable one.. and when anything bad happens.. my evil, reckless, caustic, resentful side emerges to protect my vulenerability. Therefore all arguments are settled unhappily..

I hate what i am.. several times I feel like actually doing something so horrible.. slicing my wrists.. jumping off the roof.. taking all the tablets in the house.. running away and stealing just to survive... I'm always on the brink of that..don't know whether its good or bad.. At the last second.. i always decide not to.. my practical side saves me.. Being a Gemini is sometimes overrated although i love being one usually.

Being someone.. who i usually say its because of my gemini personality.. well.. being someone who can understand all side and process the good and evil of it sucks sometimes because then i can't exactly blame anything for my misgivings. i really wonder when i will go insane and perform an act that would horrify everyone i know. It really hurts.. i keep feeling that there is some insane psychomaniac in me.. and someday i may not be strong to keep it in. Its all wearing thin.. the only thing that will be drilled into me is that.. academics is the only important thing to people eyes.. screw my other talents.. screw what i want.. screw how i feel.. screw it all. Everything is done in good intentions so its forgiven..

I have to forgive myself before i can actually do anything else.. i can't.. i don't think i can ever will.. Forgive thyself before you can forgive another..

I'm all vague and bumbled.. *sigh*.. life sucks.. mine's screwed.. whoopee for the happy people. Whoopee for the happy parents who get a kick out of driving their kids to the brink of insanity.

Pissing off..

new layout. new post. :)

Hrm. No one has updated here for one month plus. Well, it doesn't matter because as of today, the site has been turned into a journal. It's a place where you go to blog about things you don't feel like sharing much, things you feel like you need to get out but don't feel like admitting and etc. I've removed the tagboard and the comment system because i feel that this site needs it's privacy without people hounding us for updates or coming after us for whatever comments/opinions/thoughts that we've left in this site..

As you can clearly see, i've changed the orlando layout to this. It's absolutely simple and it tooks me simply 3 minutes to finish with the graphic. It took me another 10 minutes to code it and give or take, 15 minutes with the uploading, trials and errors and count the slow speed of espeed this morning. OH, if you feel like you simply MUST drop a few words of encouragement or whatsoever, you can always leave a tag/comment at Unique Unity or you could just simply talk to us or drop us a mail. I'm sure we're not that unreasonable to delete the mail at first sight. Try second sight ;)

Yes, it's morning.. I'm wide awake at 4:05 AM attempting to finish off my literature homework. I'm taking a 30 mins break for now because my hand is red and swollen from all that furious scribling and writing. I've still got lots to do but i'm trying my best to finish and clear up all that literature load because i've noticed that i've been staying up real late doing literature work for the whole week. I simply cannot stand this anymore.. The nerve of her to actually say that she doesn't give homework. Is she NUTS? She doesn't notice that she's driving everyone up the wall with her shitloads of homework that she xpects to be passed up the next day and she expects the best too.

Apart from the manik rant, i've pretty much nothing to complain about. I've been a pretty content person myself these days and i've tried really hard to be optimistic and look at the bright side of everything. I do have to admit that there are a FEW and i do mean FEW times that i went into depression but that lasted only an hour or less because either someone brightened up my day for me or i found something else to distract me. I think they are the result of overstressing myself with tuitions. I guess i can't help it because i seriously do need them otherwise i'll probably fail my O Levels! Special thanks goes to Jamie, Bev, Tiong and Azam for brightening up my day and the laughs that you guys provided me even when you had no clue i was going through ups and downs.. Love you guys LOTS! :D

Hrm, i've got 15 minutes more so that means i'll continue yakking here. Someone sent me this whole string of nice quotes which i'll put it here. It's inspirational and encouraging, spreading the 'love' around. Love is actually all around, and if you take a look at an airport scene when people say goodbye to their friends, loved ones and etc.. sometimes you just feel the sadness emitting from them. That is also love :P I learnt that from the movie 'Love Actually' so contrary to popular beliefs, movies do hold a sentimental and educational value at times. You just have to search deeper, read in between the lines and think outside the box..

-To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything!

- You may only be one person to the world but you may also be the world to one person.

- You know you really love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.

- If you love someone tell them, don't wait or else you will lose the chance.

- To try is to risk a failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

- Don't marry a person you can live with, marry somebody you can't live without.

- Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship -- never.

- When loving someone, never regret what you do.. only regret what you didn't do.

- Love will die if held too tightly, love will fly if held too lightly.

- A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

- Love is like standing in the wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. And you can never go without leaving your shoes behind.

- Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in giving creates love.

They aren't much but the thought of it makes me smile. Yes yes, this juan is not the foul mood-ed person she was two years ago. I think the reason why was because God came into my life and just made me realize i wasn't alone, because i have my parents and my friends and most importantly, him to be with me all the time. I also began to realize that not only me had problems of my own but everyone has theirs. The only difference is that others hide it well or learn to forgive and forget so that they'll be able to lead a much happier life. :P I sound so so psychological over this whole thing..

I've noticed that i've been posting really long blogs nowadays. I guess it's the lack of people to talk to that makes me such a yabber mouth online nowadays. Everyone is always busy nowadays that most of us don't even have the chance to catch up on things. Well, this is an extremely long post to make up for the stillness of this site :) Time's up, gotta go back to the bloody literature.

Cold.. alone.. far away

Anyone reading this blog? i don't think so.. good..

Perhaps to others this is an abandoned blog/site.. but its my solace i think. Hm.. subconsciously.. perhaps i let it get that way.

Feeling sucky? very true..

Depressed.. yea.. I shouldn't be but I am..

I'm feeling left out a little.. not that i would admit that. but it just feels good to get stuff off the chest.

Left out how? I dunno unconsciously by friends... unconsciously withdrawing.. I dunno it feels like some force has picked up my friends and swept them away but has left me behind. I guess I'm reacting to that by throwing myself into so many projects until i feel hurried and hectic that i've got no time to think.. but now i'm reflecting and well its depressing.. and stressing.. But i don't feel like elborating cause i've gotta get off the pc.. This mood will pass.. i know it and everybody else does too! so cheerio my blog!

hah! =D

i know that i will probably never meet someone like you again...
i just wish that i had known that before everything happened.

silent hope

i'm worried i may not be serious, capable, or efficient enough to be someone who is in charge of 30 others. i feel as though maybe i have to live up to a particular steoreotype. can i be someone who changes the system? can i be the someone who will topple the system and rebuild a new one? and what if whatever i do now, will be undone by my successor? and what if whatever i undo now, will be redone again, or will open up a whole new door of mess-ups and changes? are you ready for change? is everyone ready to be swept away in this new storm? or do i have to stand my ground, and let the wind of advance breeze through me?

we need progress, we need change. we need to move with the times. and i can only hope that i will be the one who can do that. =|

zip nada zut

Well... I haven't been posting. this year is definitely a year of change for me. My attitude is still snarky but well i'm happy. Many things to acheive the year isn't done yet. it's jsut starting so I hope that it will be a good year for everyone else.

Juan: hee hee legolas!

allright today i went out with grace, her bro, lois and juan. Pretty quiet but it was great. ate at escapade.. grace is super super generous and i love her for that. and she's also super nice! So people thumbs up for grace! Doumo arigatou grace-chan! I bought loads of dvds.. so i'm super broke. notice how i'm using the word super over and over again?

No dark shadows hanging over here. But still apprehensive of the entire year.

Jiayi: dear.. if that was a poem i congratulate you on the raw emotion in it. but if it was something else.. * hugs jia yi tight tight * you know i'm here if you need to unload! ^_^ love ya! weeeeeeee

nyak nyak lalalla i'm bored... and my fingers are freezing off and my eye bengkak! bleh.. i'm going to school with swollen eyes. meaning i won't be able to wear my contacts for a whole bloody week.. oh well.. at least no activities yet. Bah gtg Cheerio!

Hugs & Kisses,
~Joey a.k.a Jamie